The 4 Biggest Breakup Mistakes

Dealing with a breakup always sucks, but recently more people seem to be seeking out advice on how to get through it. Google searches for how to get over a breakup increased 41 percent from 2011 to 2013, according to recent data from the search engine.

So why the spike in post-split searches? Experts say it’s because we’re more connected online than ever before. “The more social media there is, the more access you have to what your ex is doing,” says relationship therapist Rachel Sussman, LCSW, author of The Breakup Bible. “People have been dealing with Facebook for a couple of years, but now it’s Twitter and Instagram and as time goes on there will be five others like that.” And since most people only share the good stuff going on in their lives, it can be easy to assume that your ex has totally moved on while you’re still a mess. Plus, the convenience and anonymity of searching for advice online makes it even more tempting to turn to Google for help.

Sure, search engines are great, but it can be a mistake to rely on them for relationship advice. Not all information online is reliable—or even accurate—so we asked Sussman for the biggest mistakes most women make after a breakup, as well as how you can avoid these sucky pitfalls:

Mistake #1: You demand closure
“A huge mistake women make is reaching out to an ex to try to get validation and closure,” says Sussman. First of all, you have no idea how they’ll react to seeing or hearing from you. If your ex wants nothing to do with you or has already moved on, you might end up feeling worse than you already do, says Sussman. And while she admits that some of her clients have gotten constructive feedback from an ex, they often still don’t feel satisfied. “It’s like an addiction, like your brain is withdrawing from a drug, and you can feel very obsessive at this time,” says Sussman.
Another reason to cut ties is to give yourself—and your mind—time to heal. The more you’re talking to or seeing him, the more your brain is engaging with your ex, says Sussman. The bottom line: It’s worth the trouble to delete him from your phone, Facebook, Instagram, etc.

Mistake #2: You try to go it alone
You may be single, but that doesn’t mean you have to deal with the breakup on your own. Letting your friends, family, and even a few close coworkers know what you’re going though can be a huge help, says Sussman. Just make sure you’re not venting to everyone who will listen, or you’ll burn through friends fast, she warns. The key is choosing people who will also tell you when you’re being too obsessive or doing something destructive.

Mistake #3: You blame your ex—for everything
Sure, it feels great to call your ex a few expletives and list every cringe-inducing quality that you definitely won’t miss. But even when all your friends are chiming in to say “I never liked him,” it’s crucial to take your fair share of the blame. “In order to really recover from a breakup in a healthy way, you have to understand what part you played in it, even if it was a small part,” says Sussman. So even if your ex was a cheating commitment-phobe, consider why you stayed with him or if there were any red flags you ignored so you can learn from your mistakes.

Mistake #4: You try to work through it too much 
It may seem like a cop-out, but a little distraction is totally healthy during a breakup. “I want people to process their breakup, but you don’t need to be in that state of processing 24/7,” says Sussman. For the other times when you’re tempted to call your ex or check his Facebook, do something that takes a ton of focus or energy—like yoga or volunteering. They’ll take your mind off the temptation. Bonus: Both activities have been proven to boost your mood.

photo: iStockphoto/Thinkstock

More from Women’s Health:
The Worst Way to Get Over a Breakup
The One Person You Need to Unfriend On Facebook
Your Body On: Heartbreak 

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5 Social Media Mistakes That Mess With Your Career

One wrong tweet, and you could lose more than just a few followers—you could lose your job. Earlier this month, two developers were fired after one of them took to Twitter to complain about sexist jokes that the other had made at a tech conference. The male developer was fired because of his comments, and the female developer appeared to be laid off due to the harsh backlash she and her company received in response to her Tweets.

Whether these employees should have been let go is debatable, but the incident is a good reminder that companies are keeping tabs on what you post online—and they can punish you for it. “Social media is not trivial anymore,” says Miriam Salpeter, author of Social Networking for Career Success. “We have to realize that even though something may seem like a throwaway comment, people are listening.”

So how can you make sure that your social networking habits aren’t screwing with your career? Start by avoiding these major mistakes:

Mistake #1: You don’t know your company’s policy
More businesses are adding social media stipulations to their employee handbooks, says Mike Haberman, human resources consultant for Omega HR Solutions. So now might be a good time to actually read all that paperwork you received when you were hired. Even if your employee handbook doesn’t specify that you could be terminated for a rogue Facebook post, that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. Companies will often find a way to fire someone if they feel it’s necessary, says Salpeter. Most workers are employees at will, which means they can be fired at any time, for any reason, she says. So it’s crucial to know what might get you in trouble before you do it. If that’s not outlined in the handbook, schedule a meeting with HR ASAP to find out what the policy is.

Mistake #2: You stir up controversy
Advertising your political or religious beliefs on Facebook and Twitter is practically the norm these days, but these types of posts can backfire at work, warns Salpeter. After all, if something seems offensive to your HR department, it could result in a reprimand or even a termination. And it’s not just the usual hot-button topics you have to worry about. Even something that you don’t automatically view as controversial—like following Chris Brown on Twitter or posting about sexual health rights—can affect someone’s perception of you. And when that person has the power to fire you, you definitely don’t want to come off as offensive to them.

Mistake #3: You’re overly negative online
You wouldn’t go around the office ranting and complaining all day, so don’t do it online, either. HR may see a string of rude or angry comments as a red flag—whether they’re work-related or not. “You’re demonstrating your temperament and your attitude,” says Salpeter. So keep the hate-tweets and humblebrags to a minimum, especially when you’re applying for a job.

Mistake #4: You accept your boss’ friend request without a second thought
While it’s generally not a good idea to seek out your boss on Facebook, it can be tricky if your boss friends you. If you haven’t yet found yourself in this position, you can change the settings on your profile to make it completely unsearchable and explain to your coworkers that you’re just not a Facebook person. But if a colleague’s friend request is already pending, the best you can do is clean up your profile, accept their request, and be hyper-vigilant about what you post in the future. To be on the safe side, consider everything you post online to be public, even if you’ve set up tons of privacy settings.

Mistake #5: You treat all social-networking sites the same
If you’re trying to maintain a strong personal brand, you need to be active on a variety of social media sites—but not all of them have to be associated with your work life. If your tweets and Instagram posts tend to be frivolous, that’s OK—just don’t list your job or company in your bio, says Haberman. You should, however, focus on beefing up your LinkedIn with professional contacts. You may also want to customize the URL so that it ends with your full name (just go into your profile settings—it’s free and easy to do). That way, your LinkedIn will be one of the first things people see when they Google you.
The key: using good judgment when you decide what you want to post and where is the most appropriate place to post it. “What’s more important to an employer than someone who knows how to exercise good judgment?” says Salpeter.

photo: iStockPhoto/Thinkstock

More from Women’s Health:
How to Be a Social (Media) Climber
How the Average Woman Uses Facebook
5 Mistakes Job-Seekers Make

 

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5 Mistakes Job-Seekers Make

If you’re on the hunt for a new job, pause before you spam your resume to every opening you see—otherwise, you could be sabotaging yourself. “Employers are desperate to find good, qualified professionals, but most job hunters are not acting professionally,,” says Andrea Kay, author of This is How to Get Your Next Job: An Inside Look at What Employers Really Want. “Everybody is in a rush to respond to employers, but just getting your resume and email out there won’t cut it.”

Which makes sense: The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that 12.2 million Americans were jobless at the end of December 2012, with the unemployment rate holding steady at 7.8 percent. That means that hundreds—and sometimes thousands—of people end up applying for the same positions. With those odds stacked against you, it’s no wonder that even the smallest errors can hinder your job prospects.

Whether you’re a recent college graduate looking for your first job, or a seasoned employee hoping to swap careers, don’t make these five mistakes common among job seekers.

Mistake #1: You list your old boss as a reference… but forget to tell her
In a recent survey of 2,500 hiring managers by CareerBuilder.com, nearly 30 percent said they had found misleading or false references on candidates’ resumes. And it’s not worth the risk of listing a reference you haven’t prepped first—80 percent of the managers surveyed said they check references regularly. Even if your references like you, if you don’t notify them that they might be contacted, they won’t be able to put in the best word for you. “Give them a heads up,” Ryan Kahn, author of Hired!: The Guide for the Recent Graduate, says. “Otherwise, they might not have a clue of what to say about you because they’re caught off-guard.”
Do This: If the person has told you in the past to feel free to list her as a reference, then send a quick email letting her know that you’re applying for the job, explain what it is and why you’re excited about it, and that she might be contacted. If she hasn’t already said you can put down her name, send an email asking if it’s okay to do so.

Mistake #2: You only have one version of your resume
It’s tempting to submit your resume to every job opening you see, but it’s better to be more selective—and to target your approach, Kahn says. Recruiters spend an average of 6.25 seconds looking at resumes, according to a study by Ladders.com. They focus primarily on current and previous companies and positions listed, and pay attention to the ones that are most relevant to the job they’re hiring for you. If you use the same resume for all applications, no matter the job, you could be missing out on opportunities to stand out for individual positions.
Do This: For each job you apply to, make small tweaks to your resume so that the skills and experience valuable to that particular company are easy to see and understand. The person hiring an executive assistant might not care that you were a barista for a year, just as the restaurant looking for hostess won’t care at all that you spent some time as a paralegal.

Mistake #3: You have no questions at the end of the interview
Playing it cool may be a good approach in dating, but when it comes to the job hunt, enthusiasm and curiosity are super important. At the end of each interview, most hiring managers ask if you have any questions for them. If you’ve got nothing, it comes across as if you’re disinterested and just going through the motions–not a good look.
Do This: Employers want job seekers to engage in a flowing conversation. Tell them why you’re interested in the job, be prepared to discuss the company’s positive attributes, and always have several questions prepared to ask the hiring manager at the end of the interview. Some good ones to try: What is the office environment like? What do you like about working here? What’s a typical day like? Questions to avoid (on a first interview, at least): Will I ever have to stay late or work weekends? How much money are you offering?

Mistake #4: You lead with your own needs
Landing an interview at an awesome company can be very exciting—and it’s easy to get caught up in all the perks that job will bring. But one of the worst things you can do (in a cover letter or interview) is show that you’re thinking of yourself and your own gains over what the company will gain by hiring you. Talking about how fabulous the job would be for your career makes you sound like you’re just excited about the job because it’s a stepping stone to something even better down the line.
Do This: “Think about what the employer wants,” Kay says. “Why would they hire me above all others? What are their problems and issues I can help them with?” Find out what services the company offers and the problems the industry is facing. That way you’ll know how your particular skill set can help. Then speak to those attributes.

Mistake #5: You send a generic thank you card
You already know to write hand-written thank you notes after an interview (right?). But the key to the perfect follow-through is to make sure that your cards aren’t just an obvious formality. A generic thank you won’t make you memorable, and neither will rattling off what’s already written on your resume without any anecdotal support.
Do This: In follow-up emails and letters, Kay says to be specific and relatable by referencing what you learned and discussed during the interview. And always remind the hiring manager how passionate you are about the opportunity—sometime perfect enthusiasm can override a lack of experience.

photo: Jupiterimages/Thinkstock

More from WH:
Keep Your Career On Track
4 Job Interview Tips
Ace Your Job Interview

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