Dealing with a breakup always sucks, but recently more people seem to be seeking out advice on how to get through it. Google searches for how to get over a breakup increased 41 percent from 2011 to 2013, according to recent data from the search engine.
So why the spike in post-split searches? Experts say it’s because we’re more connected online than ever before. “The more social media there is, the more access you have to what your ex is doing,” says relationship therapist Rachel Sussman, LCSW, author of The Breakup Bible. “People have been dealing with Facebook for a couple of years, but now it’s Twitter and Instagram and as time goes on there will be five others like that.” And since most people only share the good stuff going on in their lives, it can be easy to assume that your ex has totally moved on while you’re still a mess. Plus, the convenience and anonymity of searching for advice online makes it even more tempting to turn to Google for help.
Sure, search engines are great, but it can be a mistake to rely on them for relationship advice. Not all information online is reliable—or even accurate—so we asked Sussman for the biggest mistakes most women make after a breakup, as well as how you can avoid these sucky pitfalls:
Mistake #1: You demand closure
“A huge mistake women make is reaching out to an ex to try to get validation and closure,” says Sussman. First of all, you have no idea how they’ll react to seeing or hearing from you. If your ex wants nothing to do with you or has already moved on, you might end up feeling worse than you already do, says Sussman. And while she admits that some of her clients have gotten constructive feedback from an ex, they often still don’t feel satisfied. “It’s like an addiction, like your brain is withdrawing from a drug, and you can feel very obsessive at this time,” says Sussman.
Another reason to cut ties is to give yourself—and your mind—time to heal. The more you’re talking to or seeing him, the more your brain is engaging with your ex, says Sussman. The bottom line: It’s worth the trouble to delete him from your phone, Facebook, Instagram, etc.
Mistake #2: You try to go it alone
You may be single, but that doesn’t mean you have to deal with the breakup on your own. Letting your friends, family, and even a few close coworkers know what you’re going though can be a huge help, says Sussman. Just make sure you’re not venting to everyone who will listen, or you’ll burn through friends fast, she warns. The key is choosing people who will also tell you when you’re being too obsessive or doing something destructive.
Mistake #3: You blame your ex—for everything
Sure, it feels great to call your ex a few expletives and list every cringe-inducing quality that you definitely won’t miss. But even when all your friends are chiming in to say “I never liked him,” it’s crucial to take your fair share of the blame. “In order to really recover from a breakup in a healthy way, you have to understand what part you played in it, even if it was a small part,” says Sussman. So even if your ex was a cheating commitment-phobe, consider why you stayed with him or if there were any red flags you ignored so you can learn from your mistakes.
Mistake #4: You try to work through it too much
It may seem like a cop-out, but a little distraction is totally healthy during a breakup. “I want people to process their breakup, but you don’t need to be in that state of processing 24/7,” says Sussman. For the other times when you’re tempted to call your ex or check his Facebook, do something that takes a ton of focus or energy—like yoga or volunteering. They’ll take your mind off the temptation. Bonus: Both activities have been proven to boost your mood.
More from Women’s Health:
The Worst Way to Get Over a Breakup
The One Person You Need to Unfriend On Facebook
Your Body On: Heartbreak