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The One Time You SHOULDN’T Have Sex
You can probably think of tons of legitimate reasons to have sex with your partner (you’re super turned on, you’re dying to try a new position, you’re both home on a Tuesday night). But here’s one reason that doesn’t pass muster: When people have sex to avoid disappointing their partner (rather than to promote intimacy), they’re both less satisfied with the experience and their relationship, according to a series of studies published online in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
In two studies, couples were asked to complete nightly diaries asking if they had sex and if so, what the motivations and outcomes were. They found that when people were motivated by approach goals (to boost intimacy, get closer, feel pleasure, etc.), they felt more desire and in turn more satisfied with the sex and the relationship. But if they had sex for avoidance goals (to avoid conflict, prevent an argument, avoid disappointing their partner, etc.), they felt less desire and less satisfaction. Surprisingly, one person’s motivations even affected how their partner felt.
Why it hurts your bond
“What was really interesting to us is that if you’re having sex to avoid disappointing your partner, you might not feel that great about it because you’re not really into it—but you at least think it’s benefitting your partner,” says study author Amy Muise, PhD, post-doctoral fellow at University of Toronto Mississauga. “But the partner can somehow sense this, and it’s detracting from their satisfaction.”
So should you skip sex altogether if you’re not doing it for the right reasons? Not necessarily. According to Muise, having sex for any reason is shown to boost relationship satisfaction at least temporarily, though you see a much bigger increase when motivated by approach goals. However, if you’re having “avoidance sex” pretty frequently, that can be a problem. “On that day it’s okay, but if we’re constantly avoidance-motivated, that catches up with us over time,” says Muise. In the second study, people who had sex for avoidance goals more over the course of the diary felt less sexual satisfaction four months later, whereas their partners felt less desire and less commitment to the relationship!
Change your mindset
Here’s the good news: it’s possible to revamp your thinking so that you’re having sex for approach goals, rather than avoidance goals, says Muise. For instance, maybe you’ve been fighting with your guy and you think a good romp will help you avoid another argument. Instead, think about having sex to feel closer to each other and get back in sync. “It’s not a huge, drastic shift in thinking,” says Muise. “But it does seem to have these consistently strong effects on the outcomes of our relationships.”
Check out more ways to feel closer to your guy—in and out of the bedroom:
10 Ways to Build Trust in Your Relationship
The Secret Language of Great Couples
photo: Lisa S./Shutterstock
Why You Shouldn’t Sip a Margarita Poolside
A hangover isn’t the only thing you’ll risk by drinking a cocktail by the pool this summer. If you get fruit juice on your skin and then go out in the sun, you’re putting yourself at risk for a seriously nasty chemical burn. It’s a skin condition called phytophotodermatitis, a reaction caused by the chemicals in some fruits and plants (most notably, limes, lemons, and celery) that make your skin hypersensitive to the sun.
Dermatologist Michele Green, MD, says cases of this tend to spike in the summer, when people are handling cocktails garnished with limes or celery, using lemon juice to lighten their hair, or squeezing limes for fresh margaritas. Sounds harmless enough, right? The problem: If the chemicals from these items get onto your skin and aren’t washed off with soap and water, they’ll cause a reaction when that area of skin is exposed to the sun. “It’s basically like a chemical burn because it makes them sun sensitive,” says Green.
The Scary Signs
Within a day or two of exposure, you’ll notice some redness and irritation, which may include blistering in more severe cases, says Green. But the most noticeable result is hyperpigmentation, or brown spots, which appear up to a week later and can last for several months. This reaction can show up on any spot on your body that was exposed to both the chemicals and the sun. “Usually the cue is linear streaks from where they poured or spilled lime juice,” says Green. “Or if they were squeezing lemon on their hair, they may see brown streaks on their faces.”
How to Deal
So what happens if you spot this reaction post-vacation? If you have a severe burn with blistering, you may want to see a doctor for a prescription-strength hydrocortisone cream, says Green. In some cases, your MD may also provide a bleaching agent for the hyperpigmentation, though it’ll eventually fade on its own. If you’re just sporting some sunspots, you can skip the doctor and use an OTC hydrocortisone cream for relief. But don’t panic—the reaction isn’t dangerous, and it goes away in time, says Green.
Prevention Tips
To avoid it from happening in the first place, take precautions when handling fruits outside (and note that these chemicals are also found in parsley, parsnips, dill, and other various other fruits and plants). “Don’t mix drinks while in the sun, and wash hands immediately so there are no traces of chemicals on them,” says Green. You can even use gloves to be extra careful, and you should also make sure to clean up any spills to keep chemicals from finding their way to your arms or legs. And if you’re enjoying a cocktail at a cookout or pool party, consider skipping the lime wedge in your Corona and swapping that fresh margarita for a piña colada—your skin will thank you.
photo: Hemera/Thinkstock
More from Women’s Health:
6 New Sun Protection Secrets
The Cost of Skipping Sun Safety
Cute Clothes With Built-In Sun Protection
Why You SHOULDN’T Find a Husband in College
As if you don’t already field enough unsolicited advice from overbearing friends and relatives, a Princeton alumna is suggesting that female students take advantage of their undergraduate years to find a husband.
If you haven’t read the letter that The Daily Princetonian printed from Susan A. Patton, an executive coach and human resources consultant who graduated from the school in the ’70s, here’s a recap:
For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.
Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.
She doesn’t stop there, either:
Of course, once you graduate, you will meet men who are your intellectual equal — just not that many of them. And, you could choose to marry a man who has other things to recommend him besides a soaring intellect. But ultimately, it will frustrate you to be with a man who just isn’t as smart as you.
Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?
Patton says she was inspired to write the letter to the editor after attending a conference on campus about women and leadership. While there, she asked some female students if any of them wanted to get married and have children. “They looked at each other before they sheepishly raised their hands,” says Patton. “They all did, but they were afraid to say so unless the other women were willing to say so. … I thought, ‘For all of the advice they’re being given about professional development, no one is telling them how important it is to pay attention to the personal side of life as well.’”
After the letter got picked up by the media, The Daily Princetonian’s site crashed, presumably because of the influx of traffic generated by the controversial advice.
Here’s the thing: Personal views aside, tons of relationship research shows that it’s actually better not to get married straight out of college. Here’s why:
Your odds of splitting up are lower
The divorce rate in the U.S. has been on the decline since 1980—and the fact that women are getting married at an older age explains at least 60 percent of the decline, according to a 2011 study published by the Social Science Research Network. While the riskiest time to get married is in your teens, your chances of going through a divorce are about 34 percent if you get married between the ages of 20 and 23—compared to 20 percent if you get married between the ages of 27 to 29 and 8 percent if you wait to get married until after you’re 30, according to a survey by the National Fatherhood Initiative. “The longer you wait to get married, the more education and wealth you’ll have, which will translate to more stability when you get married,” says Brad Wilcox, PhD, director of The National Marriage Project at The University of Virginia.
You’ll make more money
College-educated women who marry after 30 make about $ 15,000 more than degree-holding women who get married in their early- to mid-20s, according to data from the American Community Survey. What’s more, women who get married after 30 also tend to have a household income that’s a little more than $ 20,000 higher. “It’s pretty well documented—what a substantial number of women do is sacrifice their own ambitions to those of their partner,” says Leslie Bennetts, author of The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving up Too Much?, who points to a study done on brides written up in the New York Times’ “Vows” column. “Half of them quit their careers the minute they got married,” says Bennetts. If you wait to get married until you’re more established in your career, you’ll be less likely to abandon it the second he puts a ring on it, she says.
You have more options dating-wise than ever before
One of Patton’s biggest arguments: College is when women have the most options in their dating pool. That may have been true before the advent of online dating, but now you have plenty of single men to choose from. And that whole notion of only being able to date dudes who are older than you? You can throw that out the window. “I think that her advice, not only is it old fashioned,” says Bennetts, “but her understanding of the way the world works is extremely outdated.”
photo: iStockphoto/Thinkstock
More From Women’s Health:
The Scary Way Your In-Laws Affect Your Marriage
5 Common Marriage Problems Solved!
4 Strategies to Stop Arguing
The One Day You Shouldn’t Eat Meat
If going vegetarian sounds appealing, but you’re not ready to quit meat cold turkey, we have the perfect solution: Meatless Monday—the national campaign that encourages people to kick off the week sans meat.
The non-profit campaign, started in 2003 by the Johns Hopkins’ Bloomberg School of Public Health, was designed to improve participant’s health and help save the planet.
Some big cities are jumping on board, too. Los Angeles, the largest city to join the movement so far, recently announced that all future Mondays in the City of Angels would be meat-free.
Not sure Meatless Monday is for you? Consider this: Limiting animal-fare has major health benefits. It can reduce the likelihood of heart disease, the leading cause of death among women, and a number of cancers too. To reap the most health-promoting benefits, swap meat for fruits, veggies and whole grains, says Lisa Moskovitz, RD, CDN, owner of Manhattan-based dietetic practice Your New York Dietitian. Plant-based fare, rich in disease-fighting nutrients and belly-filling fiber, not only wards off illness, but decreases appetite too, helping you maintain a healthy weight.
Omitting meat, even once a week, can also lower your carbon footprint. Raising beef produces more greenhouse gas then all the cars currently on the road, and the livestock industry pollutes our water more than any other industry. Eating just one plant-based meal saves 2.5 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions, 133 gallons of water, and 24 square feet of land.
Not sure what to eat in-lieu of your mid-day turkey sandwich? Check out our favorite meatless meals.
photo: iStockphoto/Thinkstock
More from WH:
Vegetarian-Eating FAQs
Meatless Monday: Vegetarian Weight-Loss Foods
5 Vegetarian Myths
