Crowdsourcing helps us make so many day-to-day decisions, from what restaurant to visit, to what kind of shoes to buy. So why not also turn to the wisdom of anonymous internet commenters to help navigate our love conundrums?
Enter HeTexted.com, a web site that allows strangers to vote on the meaning behind cryptic text message exchanges between you and your guy. You post the exchange (either as a screen grab or by typing it out), and anyone can render a judgment: “he’s into you,” “he’s not into you,” and “verdict is still out”.
But before you bare the intimate details of your relationship on the ever-eternal web, know this: HeTexted.com could end up causing more man drama and confusion—leading to rash, hasty life-altering decisions, says Patti Feinstein, dating coach.
“You’re getting [advice] based on [users’] personal experiences instead of an objective opinion,” Feinstein says. Besides, one text message gives little clarity to any situation. Users—strangers!—are basically giving their best guess at what your guy is thinking, she adds.
Not to mention, even if you have the right hunch about the situation, there’s a bigger issue at play here: You’re turning to strangers for advice about your guy and not discussing your relationship disconnect with him—face to face. “Without good communication, there is no relationship,” Feinstein says.
Stop trying to read his thoughts (and emoticons). You are NOT from the Psychic Friends Network. Instead, follow these three tips to talk about tough topics with your boyfriend in a more productive way.
Pick the right time and place
Want to chat about his lack of emotional availability? His little sister’s ballet recital is probably not the best place to hash it out. “You don’t want to bring up problems when you don’t have time to talk about them,” explains Penny Foreman, a clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist. Pick a neutral place at convenient time (when you have at least a couple hours free)—making sure you’re both well fed, and well rested, Foreman adds.
Ditch the accusatory tone
“Avoid starting a sentence with ‘you’,” Foreman says. “It sounds like an accusation or an invitation to fight (which it usually is!).” Her tip: Stick to “I” statements—using the XYZ model for this type of communication. Example: “I feel X, when you do Y, in situation Z.”
Think (and speak) positive
“Incorporate positive statements and compliments along with your complaints,” Foreman suggests. “This will soften the blow of any complaints or concerns and make your partner less defensive.” Just remember: compliment sandwich.
More from WH:
Communication Advice: Talk So He’ll Listen
The Secret Language of Great Couples
Reading His Body Language: Does He Like You?
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