When you start dating a guy, there are all kinds of clues you look for to assess if you’re right for each other: Would you rather spend time with him than with anyone else? Can you totally be yourself around him? Are there fireworks between the sheets? Well, according to recent research, there’s one incredibly crucial factor that probably doesn’t even cross your mind: money. A new survey by TD Ameritrade found that only five percent of people say money is an important consideration when choosing a partner—yet 40 percent admitted they don’t fully trust their significant other with their combined finances, and couples argue about money an average of five times per year.

A ton of divorces are caused by financial conflicts, say Scott and Bethany Palmer, “the money couple,” authors of The 5 Money Personalities. “Many people assume these fights revolve around long-term decisions like debt and retirement planning,” they say—but that’s not always true. Couples often clash over small issues that come up every day, like your spouse buying a double skinny mocha latte for $ 4.50 when he could make coffee at home for pennies. “It’s those nitpicky things that can ultimately kill a relationship,” says Scott Palmer. So even though financial compatibility may not be on your radar early on, it should be. Here’s how to tell if you and your newish man are a good pair-up when it comes to cash.

Start the conversation
“Soooo…got any credit card debt?” Uh, not exactly the opener you want to throw out there on a date. But discussing where you each stand on finances will give you insight into a guy’s money mindset. A better convo starter? Use this blog post as a jumping-off point. Tell him you were reading an article about money and relationships, and realized that you’re more of a saver than a spender. Then ask him, “Off the top of your head, would you say you’re a saver or a spender?” “It’s a non-confrontational way to get the ball rolling because you’ve revealed something about yourself first,” says Scott Palmer. “Plus, you’re probing him based on who he is rather than what he has.” From there, segue into a more in-depth chat. If anything he says freaks you out (yikes, he’s 35 and doesn’t have a 401K— or he’s so cautious with money that he hasn’t taken a vacation in three years), that’s evidence there might be financial drama in your future.

Think ahead
Certain money habits that you find attractive in a boyfriend might drive you crazy in a husband, so you’ll want to stay a few steps ahead of the game. For example, who wouldn’t love being pampered by a guy who takes you out to fancy dinners and surprises you with blingy birthday jewelry? But ask yourself if you’d feel differently about those earrings he dropped a grand on if the dough was coming out of your joint account. “Your dating lens is often very different from your marriage lens,” says Bethany Palmer. Don’t expect him to change his tune after you walk down the aisle, though.

Spot red flags
Even in the early stages of a relationship, there are tip-offs that a guy will be a crappy money partner down the line. One warning sign: He’s fiscally controlling. “If he’s telling you how you should spend your income, run,” says Scott Palmer. At this point, it’ll show up in subtle ways (think comments like, “Is that another new dress?”). Later on, that behavior can translate into him holding the purse strings, deciding where your money goes and how much you can access…and you feeling resentful and powerless as a result.

Another biggie is keeping secrets. “People are secretive because they don’t want to be told no,” says Scott Palmer. “So someone who lies in general will also lie about money.” A guy who claims he’s working late but actually goes out with his buddies all night is the type to have a hidden bank account or conceal a bad financial decision from his wife.

Finally, take stock of how he acts when he’s out of his fiscal comfort zone. Let’s say you like to splurge on vacation, whereas he’s pretty thrifty. Does he insist on staying at a hostel in Cabo when you’re pushing for the luxe resort, or can he compromise with a mid-range hotel? Does he make a stink when you treat yourself to a massage on the beach, or can he let it go and indulge so long as it’s only once in a while? It’s fine for you to have different philosophies about spending. But whether or not he’s able to find common ground with you even when he doesn’t agree with you reveals a lot about how you’d get along if your earnings were linked.

More from WH:
Recession-Proof Your Money
Money Secrets Couples Keep
The Money Mistake You’re Probably Making

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