When a friend says she likes your outfit, how do you respond? A recent Inside Amy Schumer skit suggests that most of us self implode (heads up: Seriously NSFW):
Of course, this scene is a bit extreme—but it gets at a real issue that many women face with trash-talking themselves and their bodies. Unfortunately, dissing yourself doesn’t help you fit in—it actually makes you less likeable, according to a new study conducted by University of Notre Dame’s Body Image and Eating Disorder Lab.
In the study, 139 normal-weight undergraduate women ranked the likeability of noticeably thin or noticeably overweight women’s photos. Some were pictured next to statements researchers defined as “fat talk”—self-disparaging comments about food, weight, or other insecurities—while others were pictured next to positive statements about their body image. And while people who engaged in fat talk were the least likeable, regardless of their weight, women who spoke highly of themselves were rated as the most likable.
Why? It’s only natural to be drawn to people who are positive, confident, and comfortable with themselves—both psychologically and physically, says study co-author Michaela Bucchianeri, PhD, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Minnesota. When you’re around someone who accepts her body, you’re encouraged to shed your insecurities and embrace your own shape. And as a result, your mood soars.
On the flip side, previous studies have shown that fat talk is contagious—just like in the Inside clip. And since fat chat is associated with—and can actually cause—body dissatisfaction, you’re much more likely to walk away feeling badly about yourself, says Bucchianeri. “Whether these comments are made out of a need for belonging, desire for reassurance from others, or simple habit, the evidence suggests it can only hurt us, not help us,” she says.
But because you likely hear people diss their bodies all the time, it can be especially tricky to cut it out of your conversations. Use Bucchianeri’s strategies to curb fat talk (and keep your friends):
Focus on your assets
So you hate your cankles. The key to feeling better about them—or at least not complaining about them all the time—lies in choosing to focus on the other things that more than make up for your slightly thicker-than-normal ankles, says Bucchianeri. Maybe you’re super-proud of your sharp wit, for example, or the fact that you can command a boardroom without breaking a sweat.
If you’re so stuck in a negative mindset that you’re struggling to come up with a reason you rock, phone a friend or parent and ask them for a refresher course on your strengths. Everyone has at least a few things they totally own—and hearing someone else articulate them may be just the kick in the pants you need to snap out of your funk.
Make compliments count
Often, well-intentioned compliments (i.e., “You look amazing in that dress! Did you lose weight?”) can trigger other people’s fat talk (i.e., “I got so fat that nothing else fits.”). And that leads you to chime in. So, instead of just commenting on a coworker’s appearance, praise the qualities you can’t see—like her awesome personality traits (“You give the world’s best advice!”).
When you hear fat talk, change the conversation
If your friend says she got so fat this winter and you chime in with “Ugh, me too!” your reaction doesn’t make her feel better; it just reinforces her negativity, says Bucchianeri. Instead, tell her you hate hearing her talk like that because she has so many positive qualities. Then name them to give your point more impact. And if her fat chat is incessant? Bucchianeri suggests saying, “I’m uncomfortable with all of the focus on weight when we get together. Can we talk about something else?”
If you’re genuinely dissatisfied with your body…
Take charge with a new workout or some simple diet tweaks. But first, make sure you’re taking on healthier habits for the right reason. “Consistent exercisers who see working out as part of their lifestyle, rather than as a way to change their appearance, have the most success keeping weight off,” says J. Graham Thomas, Ph.D., an assistant professor at the Weight Control and Diabetes Research Center at Brown Medical School.
Instead of dwelling on the svelte figure you want, focus on the awesome benefits of treating your body well—like having more energy, more strength, and maintaining a better mood. And when someone compliments you about how awesome you look as a result? Just say “thank you!”
Additional reporting by Araina BondMore from WH:
Too Legit To Quit: Workout Motivation
Bikini Confidence Boosters
Bust Through Body Confidence Barriers